People on reddit used to think I was lying about stuff I did in my youth, because nobody would do those things today. I absolutely did them. I wasn’t on drugs, most of the time, I’m just a weird person who stopped giving a FUUUUUUUCK about people in kindergarten when I gave Tim Caldwell a teenage mutant ninja turtles fruit pie…and he FUCKING THREW IT ON THE GROUND!!! I’m sorry, you do NOT throw a 1980s green ooze TMNT hostess fruit pie ON THE FUCKING GROUND when a fat kid gives you one! You treasure that shit, that he thought highly enough of you to give you one! It was at that moment I realized that other people do no matter. I’m the greatest human being alive, and I no longer need to worry about other people or the consequences of my actions.

So I threw my pants down, threw him to the ground, and sat on his face. Nothing sexual. I was 5. So was he. I was just humiliating him on the school yard, by shoving my butt in his face.

But on reddit, they would say things like “Pics or it didn’t happen!”. And I would reply “Let me get this straight…you want me to send you pictures of my bare ass when I was 5 years old? Even if those pictures existed, sending them, or even having them in my OWN possesion would be highly illegal!”

They didn’t think that through. But I’m not a troll. I’m just an idiot.